chasing rainbows

Ten years ago, on a mountain top in Ireland I saw the most incredible rainbow.

And for the last 10 years, I’ve been unknowingly chasing them.

I came down off that mountain top and learned the language of healing, of self awareness.

I studied the frameworks, read the books.

Chased certifications and degrees.

Learned more tools when my old ones stopped working.

Named the patterns.

Played whackamole with my fears and limiting beliefs.

And held space for everyone…

Except myself.

I placed my self worth in everyone else’s hands.

In my clients. In my business. In my husband and daughter, family and friends.

I thought if I could just fix myself, try harder, do more than I’d finally be ok.

I’d finally be loved. It’s all I’ve ever wanted.

So I worked harder.

More breakthroughs for my clients meant I was more worthy right? I just need more clients, more results, a real business. That’ll prove it. Then I’ll be worthy.

Poured my heart and soul into someone else’s business but faced constant criticism disguised as feedback, no big deal right? They’re self aware, they must know something I don’t. I just need to choose my words more carefully, explain myself more clearly.

More soothing, fixing, folding laundry and cleaning up everyone else’s messes. If I just do more, that’s how I’ll finally be loved right?

And somewhere between the businesses, the baby, the daily grind of life, I slowly disappeared.

I didn’t matter anymore.

I kept the peace at all costs so i would never have to be abandoned again.

And I was strong so I just did more.

And more.
And more.

I carried it all because if I didn’t who else would?

And I was so tired. The kind of tired that isn’t fixed by a good night’s sleep.

Soul tired.

Self care, that’ll fix it right? I just need to do more of that.

But I didn’t even know what I needed. I couldn’t say it even when I tried.

And then the switch flipped.

It needed to happen.

And it broke me so completely.

And in the breaking, in the quiet and the stillness, under all the grief I thought I had met,

but I hadn’t let myself feel,

I reclaimed myself.

Not all at once.

Ever so slowly. softly. safely.

I returned to me.

And I cried tears of joy when I saw the sunlight bouncing off my glasses and the rainbow on my heart.